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Thursday, March 08, 2007
I got asked to the Spring Fling!

Beer Man asked me out for Saturday!    We talked for an hour and a half last night... could've talked to him all night if I hadn't been so tired.   What a hilarious and intelligent man.  It was like talking to a long lost friend. 

FINALLY!  A guy who emails me and says, "May I call you tomorrow night?"  Then, he actually CALLS... and oh - mah  - God  - actually ASKS ME OUT! 

I should've documented this a little better.  This may need to be sent to Guinness Book of World Records.   But I suppose we'll have to wait and see what Saturday brings before I get too excited.    But hell, it's fun to look forward to something!!!  I can't wait to hug the shit out of him.  I need my hugs, dammit!  And maybe they'll play Open Arms...


Posted at 3/8/2007 10:50:27 am by gak
(8) Have Been Clubbed

Monday, March 05, 2007
LGOP or LBOP... it's still doomed

Here's a portion of the email exchange that went on today between Nibs, the Male Friend Life Guru with whom she works, and me.  I thought it was fairly funny and pretty thought provoking.  Maybe I really am still 13 and this is just a vision of what my life could become, kind of like Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30.   Guess it's time for me to head to the closet and knock the magic glitter onto my head. (it's in that movie. and yeah, i really like that movie-- simple as it is!)

From: gak
To:
Nibs; Male Friend Life Guru
Subject: I'm 13

I was ADDICTED to myspace yesterday. I think I sat in front of the computer for 3 hours or more, just looking up people and getting sucked in.  It’s so dumb. Then, I got an email from a random guy… horrible typist, rotten speller, but hilarious.  And we wrote back and forth for over an HOUR.  It was like passing notes in class.  He made me laugh (for real… out loud!) so many times.  And I can’t really tell from the pics but he looks hot.

 And at the end of the night though, I could NOT fall asleep.   I tossed and turned and I think it’s b/c I was a lazy piece of p00p all day.  And that I felt very odd about this whole internet thing.

 And I totally wanted this guy to say, “Hey, we’ve just spent an hour emailing each other. Let’s meet for a beer!”  but no, nothing.   Why are men scared to ask women out?  maybe they’ve been burned before, but come on, what’s the harm?  I think most women will give a guy one chance, especially if they’ve been in the dating pool for years, don’t you think?   

From: Male Friend Life Guru
To:
Gak; Nibs
Subject: RE: I'm 13

He probably is just trying not to scare you off which it sounds like after an hour of messages I would have been lets meet for a beer tonight, but that is my novice dating view not conforming to the modern dating guidelines written by smarter people. He seems pretty cool. I noticed you are on his front page of friends. I love that feeling of being child like giddy when you meet someone.

Good luck

From: Nibs
To:
Male Friend Life Guru; Gak
Subject: RE: I'm 13

Well, I had an opposite type of situation.  After a week of really great emails back and forth on Match, I finally got a call from a guy named L******.  Seemed like a good match: he celebrates his birthday at the KY Derby, loves horses, is from KY, is a stockbroker, went to VU, etc..  LGOP.

Anyway, he called and LM on my VM.  His voice was super-southern.  Honestly, it was so Gomer-Pylish that it was a turnoff.  But I decided to suck it up and call him back.  OMG, he talks so figgin slow.  I was on the phone with him for 2 hours.  YES – 2 FLIPPIN HOURS and I don’t think we really talked about all that much.  He talked so slow that there were these long, awkward pauses at the end of everything he said because I wasn’t sure he was finished with his statement.  So frustrating.

He lived in ATL for 7 yrs, moved back home to good old P****** for a few years, then moved back here in 2002 or 2003.  He wants to start his own firm, but doesn’t appear to have the contacts here that are needed to pull it off, so right now he is employed by a firm.  Ok, so far so good, right?  WRONG.  

  1. He’s a renter.  At age 36.  SUCH A TURNOFF.  I mean, commit to living in the ATL and buy a friggin condo or something.
  2. He’s never been to the Aquarium.  Or the High Museum of Art.  Or the World of Coca Cola.  He’s only been to the Fox once.  Doesn’t get out much.  Has pretty much seen every movie that came out last year.  DVD releases, too.  BOOOORING.
  3. He has a “fantasy horse racing stable.”  LAMER THAN BARBARO.
  4. He drives a Civic.  Why is this a problem, you ask?  Well, how successful as a broker do you look if you drive a Civic?  Let’s be real.  If you want to go out on your own and seriously open your own brokerage firm, people have to know that you are trustworthy with their money.  I mean, at LEAST get an Accord or something.  But a friggin Civic?  That spells “college-mobile-I-won’t-grow-up” to me.  Would you invest your money with a guy that drives a Civic and rents an apt?  I know I wouldn’t.

2 hours of my life wasted.  And he asked if I wanted to get together – fortunately we’re both busy for a good solid week.  Gives me one week to come up with a good reason why it wouldn’t ever work without being mean.  I just don’t even see the point.

From: gak
To:
Nibs, Male Friend Life Guru
Subject: RE: I'm 13

What’s LGOP?  Republican I’m guessing? But what’s the “L” for? Maybe he’s a L3sbian? 

 The phone conversation-- that was painful to READ about, let alone experience.  Do you think that he’s cute enough to overcome the speech impediments?  Maybe he’s just not a big phone guy.  Then again, look at me.  I went out with a Goonie..

 Maybe I shouldn’t be fooled by emails.  Seems like I get crushes on people through serious email lovin’ and then it fizzles in real life.  I just wish that life were a little different and that the written chemistry always translated into physical sparks.

 “Lamer than Barbaro?”  girl, you are mean!!!!!!!!!!!!  

From: Nibs
To:
Gak
Cc: Male Friend Life Guru
Subject: RE: I'm 13

LGOP – looks good on paper

 Seems to be the cause of nearly every dating disaster…

 Your guy sounds promising, though.  Get him on the phone ASAP so you can get to the bottom of this!!!  And it’s ok that he can’t spell – there’s no spellchecker on MySpace.
 

To: Nibs, Male Friend Life Guru
Subject: RE: I'm 13

Yeah, I don’t know.  I am just constantly amazed at how often I feel like a teenager waiting to get asked to the Spring Fling.  Or it’s Valentine’s Day and a student council member comes through the door handing out heart-o-grams to the popular kids.  And you wait until the last name is called and suddenly the door closes behind them and you wonder if maybe there’s been a mistake?  You know it really doesn’t matter but at the same time you’d really just like to get one.   Regarding the dance, you go “stag” and have a new outfit from Express, which you’re happy about.  But when “Open Arms” comes on you have to hide out in the bathroom with the other awkward girls.  Some are bawling, some are sneaking cigarettes. I mean there are definitely worse things in life than going solo to an 8th grade dance—you could be in special ed or you could be the girl who got her period at recess while wearing white pants and didn’t notice it. She never lived that one down.  You’re not a whore, so there’s nothing shameful there, but look – all the whores got asked to the dance and you didn’t!  And there are even some of the Special Ed kids who are clumsily wearing ties and taffeta, rocking arms-around-necks to “Faithfully.”  (I guess we were a big Journey school.)  What did you do wrong to be here? Why did no one ask you?  Except for the braces you’re pretty cute. Maybe that hair’s a little wild and curly, but this was the age of perms.  Were the Madonna glove and rubber bracelets a bad choice?  OH THAT’S RIGHT!! YOUR FATHER WAS DISTANT AND NEVER TOUCHED YOU OR SAID I LOVE YOU!!!!    That was so easy.   Thank you, therapy!



Posted at 3/5/2007 6:14:47 pm by gak
(5) Have Been Clubbed

Thursday, March 01, 2007
Serenity Now


My basement flooded bad this morning.   I have had thw worst day ever.  I wish I could be as calm as this lady... drowning and clinging to an airline seat!

Posted at 3/1/2007 1:49:25 pm by gak
(4) Have Been Clubbed

Sunday, February 25, 2007
Church of eHarmony

I know that relationships aren't perfect.  I know that even the best of couples can hate each other some days. And I know that the loneliest place isn't sleeping single in a double bed-- it's lying next to someone without love between you. 

But all that being said, if you are a reader who happens to be one half of a couple, just thank your Lucky Charms that you don't have to be on eHarmony, or match.com or on the dating meat market in general.  (By the time the meat gets to my age it's hamburger anyway.  And it's not ground sirloin. We are talking ground chuck that's been picked up off the floor and repackaged.)

This is the "About Me" that ended up in my eHarm inbox this morning....I am wondering what they base these "matches" off of... and thinking to myself that just like Woody Allen, I would never want to join a club who'd have someone like me as a member. 

The one thing James is most passionate about:

  • I am passionate about the meaning of life and what it means to me. Ooh very deep.  Way to go, passion boy. This would've earned more points if it referenced Monty Python.

The three things which James is most thankful for:

  • My ability to learn Let's not forget opposable thumbs!
  • My family
  • My emotional stability  Meds really help with that.

The most influential person in James's life has been:

  • My mentor was my music teacher from HS. He was a motivational expert and has set goals he, as well as those who follow him, have excelled in.  Aside from the overdose on commas, it sounds like he might just live in a van down by the river.

Three of James's best life-skills are:

  • Using humor to make friends laugh "Oh gak, there was the funniest article in Computer Age this week..."
  • Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
  • Remaining calm yet resilient during a crisis   This will be good to know if we're ever cooking dinner and I cut off my finger. He will be calm and "resilient." Hmm, wonder if he knows what resilient means?

The most important thing James is looking for in a person is:

  • I would love to meet someone that can see all of the possibilities in everything.  This reminds me of a concert I was at last year.  Oh so dramatically, the singer said, "I would like to dedicate..." pause pause "this song" pause "to" pause pause pause "EVERYONE!"

The first thing you'll probably notice about James when you meet him:

  • My smile, and hello!   Well hello to you too, Mr. Happy! Your fly is down.

The one thing James wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

  • My life experiance and what I have to offer.   Can't get past the spelling, bud.

James typically spends his leisure time:

  • Making my outside match who I am inside.  *DANGER! DANGER!*

The things James can't live without are:

  • My family
  • My own emotions  
  • My computers
  • All reference material to answer the hard question
  • My airplanes
    We must look at the answers to the above comments collectively. Family? I'll give him that one. Good job. But emotions + computers + reference material + airplanes = a Ziggy-like character getting high on model glue while reading the Bible and whacking off to 3 computers' worth of Gothic Lolita porn.

The last book James read and enjoyed:

  • Celestine Prophecy, even thought fiction was an inspiration to enjoy more that life has to offer through opening my eyes.  Celestine Prophecy was is book 1994 sentence no get read sense. (But on a side-note at least it wasn't the fucking DaVinci Code.)

One thing that only James's best friends know is:

  • I am good at what I do in all aspects but never feel like going overboard at my own back patting.  *Sigh*  I really like the movie Overboard for some mysterious and wonderful reason.

Some additional information James wanted you to know is:

  • I have the ability to relate with others.  I'M A PEOPLE PERSON! I HAVE PEOPLE SKILLS! 
The scary thing is that this is not even close to the worst profile I've received.  I think the one I got last week whose most influential person was "Ronald Reagan, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity" was by far the most terrifying.

P.S.  Website of the morning: 
Post Secret



Just saw her in concert!!!
Van Lear Rose
By Loretta Lynn



Posted at 2/25/2007 10:43:59 am by gak
(5) Have Been Clubbed

Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Segue

ok there is this guy i work with. i'll call him "Rick."  cause that's his name.  when he speaks, it's like watching a ventriloquist.  his teeth don't separate and his lips barely move. i'm not quite sure how he does it.  he also has a large mole on his neck that looks like a small piece of popcorn painted brown.  but i guess none of this is really the point.

i believe at some time in the past, Rick may have had a small crush on the old gak.  i just got that feeling.  plus, one time i stopped by his desk to ask him a question and he wasn't there... so i wrote him a note saying to come find me.   later, i found that note tacked to his cube wall.   no joke.

anyway, for the past 8 months or so, Rick has been dating a girl.  great! yay! i'm happy for him... but somehow he manages to work the word "girlfriend" into every damn conversation.   examples:

In the lunchroom--
gak:  Hey Rick, you heatin up some pizza?
rick:   Yeah, me and my girlfriend got Pyramid last night! Buy one get one free.

At the coworker's desk who has candy--
gak:   God, i love Kit Kats.
rick:   My girlfriend's son is in cub scouts and sells popcorn.

Discussing button placement over IM. ("Submit" buttons for our internet software product.)
gak:   Can you change the button appearance?
rick:   What? Why do you want to?
gak:   I've had some requests.
rick;   I didn't even give you a button.
gak:   Huh?
rick:   Sorry, but I ran out.  My girlfriend can get more though. She works at the Y.
gak:  I have no idea what you're talking about.
rick:  Oh, I thought you meant the YMCA buttons I was giving out the other day. My girlfriend gave me a bunch to give out.

so basically, this dude takes ANY conversation and turns it into a vehicle for discussing his girlfriend.  i think i'm going try talking about tampons,  acne cream and russian bears wearing tutus on a highwire. That should be the perfect segue!


Posted at 2/21/2007 8:50:22 am by gak
(6) Have Been Clubbed

Tuesday, February 20, 2007
One of those Days Already

I have a feeling I may be jumping back on this thing as the day goes on.... I'm late for a training but just HAD to ask:    Why the fuck do men think it's ok to clip their nails at work???  

I'm sitting in my cube hearing this "gink gink gink" from across the aisle.  Nails are probably flying everywhere.  It's personal grooming at work!  The sound makes me ill.

UPDATE: 
The only thing that's giving me hope for the world today is the fact that I participated in a "Diorama-Rama" on Saturday...  I think we could all change the world one shoebox at a time if given the opportunity!  I won "Best Use of a Secret Compartment" and although I'm not usually very competitive, the recognition felt great.  ;)



Posted at 2/20/2007 9:08:16 am by gak
(13) Have Been Clubbed

Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Valentine's Day 2007

True story:

I get home last night and there’s the cutest little Valentine’s card and gift bag in front of my door.  My heart skips a beat for a moment, because there is a really cute guy in my building with whom I’ve been doing some extensive flirting.  Could it be?  A gift from him?  Or perhaps a secret admirer?

I reach down, pick up the bag – butterflies are jumping around my stomach, I’m so thrilled to be getting a Valentine’s gift!  I slowly open the card, and as I read it, my heart sinks:

Dear Zoe,

Will you be my Valentine?

Buddy

Damn.  You know your life sucks when your dog gets Valentines and you don’t.  


Posted at 2/14/2007 8:10:49 pm by Nibs
(4) Have Been Clubbed

Thursday, February 01, 2007
Philadelphia FreedOm

just a quick update on my 2 days in philly... i was nervous over nothing.  my coworker and i met my friend/cutie Owen at a coffee shop near Independence Hall... we had a laugh right away when he called me and said, "where are you?" i said, "we're in the rental car trying to find a place to park, where are YOU?"  and he replied, "i'm in a coffee shop called mrs. k's. it's across from some historical buildings."  LOL...cause in case you didn't know, everything in center city, philadelphia is "across from some historical buildings."  but that's just how owen is. :)

so we met and had a grand day seeing the sights of historical philadelphia.  being in the room where the declaration of independence was signed, feeling the vibes in te first senate and house chambers, seeing the Liberty Bell (which i had really only known as a pencil-sharpener from 1976 in my youth) and walking the streets of Old City were so much fun, even though it was FREEZING and windy as hell.  we played pool, drank some pints on a mini barcrawl, and i tried to interpret the local dialect which didn't seem to include the letters "th."  instead, a "d" sound is replaced, making me smile under my scarf.  i love accents. after about 3 hours in the city i talked just like them. maybe i'm a chameleon!

 i almost died three times, twice crossing the street and once driving in the wrong lane into oncoming traffic.  i took lots of pictures of japanese tourists taking pictures. :)  the pictures can't capture the feeling of freedom and pride in being an american though!!!   america, with all its faults, really is a different beast in the zoology of worldwide politicks. (spelling from 1780s thank you!)

maybe O and i met b/c the attraction was so strong, or maybe he was just what i needed at a time in my life when men aren't exactly pounding down my door to solicit my wares, or maybe i'm just a crazy old cat lady who truly enjoys the simpler pleasures of life.  i don't know and i really don't care.  what i DO care about is getting to sleep in a king sized bed under a cozy duvet with someone who wants to put his arm under me, hold me tight and keep me safe if only for one crazy night.  i love his strength and manners, the generous tips and the way he talked to me about fighting fires and saving lives.  we fooled around a little but the best part was just kissing this incredibly generous and honest man.*  and knowing that i only had 8 hours with him made me realize how precious every moment of this earth is. he didn't ask for intercourse and i didn't offer it.   we all remember the first kiss we share with someone, but how many people can go into a "last kiss" with clarity and appreciation for the kismet that brought them there???

i leave tomorrow for 4 days in chicago but i do already miss the O.  i don't think i'll see him again but he made me laugh, opened doors for me, held out his arms and his spirit to a total stranger while being completely honest and letting me do the same. What a fucking wonderful gift!!! 

now it's back to kansas and eHarmony but if O reminded me of one thing, it's that Life really is Good and it's OK to laugh!!! he brought back the optimism of my life ten years ago at 24 when i really did have hope in finding a laughmate and a husband and i wasn't so concerned about a fat stomach and lines around the eyes.

*don't get me wrong. the physicality of his presence was AOK by me!! he is built JUST HOW I LIKE THEM!!!  strong, tall and pretty skinny but with scars and dirt under his nails.  He knows how to rebuild an engine, put on some mighty 80s tunes, mitre some crown moulding and in general, how to make a woman feel like a woman!    hopefully someday soon i'll find someone here who has the same wonderful effect on me!!

Posted at 2/1/2007 7:23:27 pm by gak
(3) Have Been Clubbed

Thursday, January 25, 2007
Best Week Ever - UPDATE

So the week that started off so shitty has indeed gotten better.

Tuesday brought my company's facilities manager out to the parking lot to replace my battery. Only problem with that was that the hydraulic lifts on my hood are no longer functioning, so I had to hold up the hood the entire time that he was changing the battery.  My hands turned blue and my arms ached but I did get the thing replaced. YAY.  So funny though, that I asked about 5 different men at my workplace to help me and either they claimed not to know how to change a battery (maybe they don't like me? Probable. ) or they didn't even offer an explanation.  Men, where are your balls??? I would've thought that doing manly things would boost your egos...But like Andrew has said, men don't always help out. The day was great though... Me-- doing intensive training and almost losing my voice, but ending up at Houlihan's with several people from work, one of whom was from a satellite office who had IM'ed his boss with "I want to taste Gak" last year.  He is definitely the office gigolo and apparently my crotch showed up on his radar because the word "taste" implies Connie time if you ask me.   He's also married with a baby so he's pretty disgusting morally, but I did appreciate the fact that I got to drink for free.

 Tuesday night-- I came home and found one of my cats doing the buttscoot all over my kitchen and dining room floor. Nothing spells fun like a trail of cat shit all over your house, I tell you. I took a warm washcloth to his ass and couldn't fully eradicate the cat shit though.  Yuck. Cat ass does not smell wonderful in any way.

Wednesday was topped off with a phone call from my former coworkers at Sprint. They were having a happy hour at a local bar and invited me to stop over and say hello.  A group called "Singles of Maturity" was meeting in the same bar and as I scanned their members I felt severely depressed... I saw myself in 10 years. If I'm 44 and wearing a nametag while a balding man named Neil is trying to fling his semi-hard dick at me, I will kill myself, I tell you!!

But everyone assured me that in 10 years I would feel differently. I hope that's true. I wanted to hug and kiss my former coworkers who are some of the best people I know. Perhaps it's the PMS but do you ever get the idea to tell people how much you love them? That was the case with me on Wednesday.... How come all the good ones are taken? I love my Maja and Boof.  I form attachments that I probably shouldn't.

Thursday-- another stressful day of training... Me in front of the class doing my usual tapdance to convince people that banking software is really fun.   I work late and stop by my cube to check email/voicemail and find the following message, "Hey gak, this is Craig from class today.   Just wanted to let you know I'm in room 517 at the Holiday Inn if you feel like stopping by. "   WTF!!!  This is a first and I do admire the balls this must've taken. However, I just can't imagine me driving 10 miles to the OP Holiday Inn and showing up at room 517 like an on-call callgirl.  Blegh~!  That's a first for me.

Update-- NOW-- I just got a myspace message from a guy who I met on my trip to DC a few weeks ago.  I'm going to Philly on Monday for a training session and he's going to drive a few hours to meet me.  

Fuck.
I'm wondering if this means he's expecting sex. 
I'm guessing he does?
I'm actually expecting it myself.

This guy is so cute and 24 years old, but I am not sure if I'm ready to put out on-demand.   And did I mention he was born in 1982??????????  Christ, I probably changed this dude's diapers.

What do I do???  I suppose my gut is to just go for it.  I haven't had sex in months and I haven't had GOOD sex in at least 6 months... So I guess I'm going to Philly to get some....   Or maybe I should tell him to call it off. He's 10 years younger than me and that might mean that he doesn't know what he's doing.... I'm just imagining myself going to Wal-Mart this weekend and buying condoms... and laughing my ass off.

Fuck.

As it stands I think that we're on for Monday.   I really like him but I'm not sure if I'm ready for an encounter of the Young Kind.  


Posted at 1/25/2007 7:58:36 pm by gak
(4) Have Been Clubbed

Monday, January 22, 2007
Rough Start. Er- No Start.

This week is going to just get better and better-- I can already feel it.
Cause if it continues how it's begun this morning, it's going to be a hell of a week.

Woke up this morning shivering about 6.  Had dream I peed myself.
Was so cold in the house I snoozed until OOPS-- 8.  How did that happen?  Checked myself to make sure my bed was dry.  Quickly showered, forgot to shave pits.  No time for make up.  Oh wait- I do need a little mascara, and let's make me some coffee to wake up. And oops, got to finish drying those jeans. 

I Remember I have a 2 hour presentation at 9.  Out to the garage and start the car. Wait, make that *try* to start the car. The lights work but there's nothing but a clicking noise. FUCK.

Want to call in sick and crawl under my flannels.  With a hot guy. 

Instead I call the boss. She's on her way to come get me.  FUCK. Time= 8:43 AM.

Posted at 1/22/2007 8:38:20 am by gak
(5) Have Been Clubbed

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